I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
