i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
