I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
