you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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