She's JV to your varsity
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
