i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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