Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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