hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
