My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
