Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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