I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
