she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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