mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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