So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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