My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
