Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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