My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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