I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
