Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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