sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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