he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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