Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
