is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
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