need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
