oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
bring money and cleavage
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
