I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
