Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
