My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
