I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
smell my finger.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
