I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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