is your mom at the bar?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
