All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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