I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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