he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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