Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
