I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
