As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
