my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
