***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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