I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
