Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
