He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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