He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
