Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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