last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
