WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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