I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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