Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
