look no pants
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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