You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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