Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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